Pilosopiya

Una. Kapag ayaw mo sa tao at ayaw niya sa iyo, iwasan mo na lang siya. Sa ganitong paraan, hindi na kayo maiimbiyerna at maaabalang mag-plastikan pa. Hindi ibig sabihin nito ay huwag mo na siyang pakisamahan. Kung kailangan mo ba naman siyang kausapin o may kailangan siyang itanong, magsalita ka ng maayos. Makitungo ka.

Pangalawa. Kung magakakaroon ka lang naman ng kasintahan, huwag maghanap ng kyut, hindi mang-iiwan, hindi naghahanap ng kapalit at palaging masaya kapag kasama ka. Kung mga ganyang kuwalipikasyon ang gusto mo, hindi tao ang hinahanap mo. Aso. Kung gusto mo naman ng sobrang guwapo o guwapa, maganda ang katawan at magaling mag-project, paalala lang, hindi ‘to beauty contest. Buhay ‘to. Mahirap. Masalimuot. Maghanap ka ng taong handa kang samahan sa pinakamalayo ninyong mararating na magkasama. Isang tao na hindi perpekto kagaya mo. Isang tao na tunay na mahal ka at tunay na mahal mo.

Pangatlo. Ang grado sa report card ay repleksiyon lamang ng mga ginawa mo sa eskuwela. Hindi ito ang sukatan ng pagkatao mo. Hindi ibig sabihin na dahil singko ka sa Math o sa English, singko ka na rin sa buhay. Isa lang naman ang pakay mo sa eskuwela: matuto. Hindi lang ng kung ano ang Venn- Euler Diagram, thesis statement, at Inclusion Principle. Kailangan mo rin malaman kung paano madapa at tumayong muli, umiyak at magpunas ng sariling uhog. Kailangan mo rin makasanayan ang angkop na kakayanan para magtagal sa planetang ito. Halimabawa, kung paano tumawid at paano manligaw.

Pang-apat. Hindi malaking problema kung hindi mo pa alam kung ano ang gusto mong gawin sa buhay mo. Ika nga, a purpose driven life is not a purpose unto itself. Sa paniniwalang ito, hindi ang patutunguhan, kundi ang paglalakabay papunta doon ang mahalaga. Kaya lang, nasa iyo na kung ayos lang sa iyo mag-aksaya ng pera at oras dahil sa pagbabago-bago ng isip mo. Sa huling analisasyon, mas mainam na meron kang malinaw na direksyon sa buhay, pero ayos lang kung wala. Darating at darating rin yon.

Pang-lima. Huwag ka munang gumawa ng bata. Hangga’t maaari ay iwasan ang ganitong aktibidades hanggang hindi pa handa ang bulsa at kaluluwa para sa maaaring magbunga. Oo, merong condom at subok na mga paraan para maiwasan ang ganitong kataklismo (kung hindi ka pa handa), pero hindi sa lahat ng panahon at lahat ng pagkakataon sila gagana. Mabuti nang sigurado at wag na lang makiikot sa kama. Mabigat na responsibilidad ang hinahanap mo kung nagkataon, at sana ay pag-isipan ng maige ang lahat ng pwedeng mangyari. Tandaan. Hindi sapat na rason ang ‘pag-ibig’ o ang libido mo para ikulong ang sarili sa pang- habang buhay na kahihiyan (kung hindi kayo makakasal) o pagkakabagabag ng loob (kung tinakasan mo yung ina).

Pang-anim. Eto related sa pangalawa at pang-lima. Walang matalino pagdating sa pag-ibig. Sa katunayan, yung mga mahuhusay ang utak ang nabobobo dito. Siguro, dahil sanay sila na naso-solve at naiintindihan ang maraming bagay kaya’t nag-iilusyon sila na kaya nila ang mainlab. Hindi iyon ganong kasimple (makinig kay Juday!). Komplikado ang umibig at ibigin. Ang pinakamabuting maaasahan ay ang hindi maliyo sa landas na alam mong tama. Sana, kahit in-lab ka, hindi maglabo ang paningin mo at hindi kayo magkagaguhan. Huwag ka ring mangarap na walang katapusan ang inyong pagmamahalan. Estupidong pangarap yan. Kung marunong kang tumanggap at mag-alaga, matuto ka ring mag-palaya.

Pang-pito. Kung mas kumbinyente ang magsabi ng totoo, wag nang magsinungaling. Masama ang magsinungaling eh. Kaya lang, hindi dahil sa masama ito ay hindi na puwedeng gawin. Meron talagang mga sitwasyon na kailangan gumawa at gampanan ang isang kasinungalingan. Yung nga lang, matuto kang limitahan ang pagsisinungaling. Kapag nahuli ka, malaking abala kaya’t hangga’t maaari ay iwasan ito.

Pang-walo. Matuto kang pumili ng kaibigan mo. Kung lagi ka nilang hinihingan ng pabor o tulong pero hindi naman sila marunong tumanaw ng utang na loob, hindi ka nila kaibigan. Doormat ka lang. Kung imbes na palakasin ang loob mo ay ibinabagasak ka nila, hindi ka nila kaibigan. Punching bag ka lang. Mahirap makahanap ng mga tunay na kaibigan na sasamahan ka sa lahat ng pagsubok mo sa buhay. Pero, kung ang mga ‘kaibigan’ mo ngayon ay sobrang layo sa pagiging tunay, ibasura mo na sila.

Pang-siyam. Isa sa pinakamahalaga: matutong mag-flush ng toilet. Kahit saan. Kahit kailan. Parang awa mo na.

Pang-sampu. Makinig sa magulang. Uy, hindi sa sermon. Alam mo at alam ko na alam rin nating lahat na ang sermon ng nanay at tatay natin ay standardized. Ang ibig kong sabihin ay makinig ka kapag kinuwento nila ang lab layf nila nung college pa sila, o nung panahon na muntik na silang masuspend (ulit), yung grades nila nung hayskul, at kung sino yung mga kaibigan nila noon hanggang ngayon. Sa mga ganitong kuwento ka matututo sa buhay. Sa mga kuwento nila ka matututong magpahalaga. Magpasalamat. Magmahal.


Kaya, makinig ka.

Isa Pang Kilikili Ng Kalawakan

Nakakatakot ba ako?
Oo nga, medyo pribado akong tao at hindi masyadong kinakausap ang mga kakilala ko, maliban na lang kung malapit talaga sila sa akin. Hindi ako palakaibigan hangga’t hindi ako tinotopak. May sarili akong mundo, na sa mga salita nga ni Betch, ay isang kilikili lang ng kalawakan. Pero bakit ganoon? Nakakatakot raw ako. Yung mga sinabi ko ba ang kategorya para maging nakakatakot ang isang tao?
Maaari.
Weirdo ako, aminadong aminado ako. Hindi ito sadya. Hindi ito likha ng matinding pagnanasang maging ‘kakaiba’, sa mababaw na dahilan na uso ang maging kakaiba. Ganito lang talaga ako nahubog. Weirdo. Introvert na hindi naman mahiyain. Masayahin na mukha namang malungkutin.
Siguro dahil hindi ako lapitin ng tao ay dahil mukha akong palaging galit, o malunkgot, o magkahalo sa dalawang yan. Pero isa yang malaking pagkakamali. Wala pa sa mga kaklase ko ngayon sa kolehiyo ang naabutan pa akong totoong galit, o totoong naghihinagpis. Kapag binato ko ang mp3 player ko, sana ay isipin nila na maliit na bagay lang yon, at hindi tunay na bato na nakasanayan ko na. Kapag nakita nila akong naluluha, sana ay hindi sila masyadong siguradong napakalaki ng problema ko.
Sabi nga nila, nasa loob ang kulo ng ibang tao.
Isa ako sa mga mokong na iyon. Sa nagsasabi, at sa populusyon.

Siguro yun na nga. Sa pinaglalagian kong kilikili ng kalawakan, walang nagagalit, at walang nalulungkot ng sobra-sobra. Kung meron man, hindi rin nagtatagal. Kung meron man, hindi pinapakita.
Kaya lang, kapag lumampas sa kakayanan na itago ito sa pagpapanggap, masama ang maaaring mangyari.

Only the ash is true

The burning is false.

There are, and will always be times when our beliefs and faith in everything that is real will be challenged. Times when we are broken.
Times when we are burned.
But all the painful incidents, the saline, the silent screams, will pass. They will all turn into wisps of memory that can either be half- remembered or half- forgotten. They may hide inside of us, somewhere, and there, they will remain. They will only stay as memories, a one-time trip to a one-time point in a one-time reality,
But who carries them, as you drink your espresso and develop your varicose veins?
You. You, which from your perspective, was and will never be a one-time trip to a one-time point in a one-time reality. You are eternity, a reality, unto yourself.
So believe me when I say.
Only the ash is true.
The burning is false.

Pag Ang Palay Naging Bigas...May Tumira

Hindi ko alam kung baki yan ang title. Basta magakakaroon din yan ng malalim na kahulugan pagdating ng panahon.
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Test sa Math kahapon. Hindi dumugo ang ilong ko. Sinipon lang ako sa sobrang hirap. Sori na, bobo talaga ako sa Math. Bakit ganoon? Manganganak na lang ang nanay ko, bano pa sa numero.
Kunsabagay. I would rather have fashion sense than a Venn- Euler Diagram sense.
Tapos...
May pinanood ako kanina. Ano ba yun? Ah, yung Devilman. Japanese film. Ang galing nung effects, nawala yung sipon ko. Kaya lang bobo yata yung karakter. May power pala siya,nagpahuli pa siya sa pulis. Eh di patay yung lovey dubs niya.
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Bakit si Pol bano sa pag-ibig? Sadya ba? May music sense siya, oo, pero palakpak naman sa katorpehan (konek...). Ayos lang yan, tol. Pagdating nang tamang panahon, mawawala rin yang tigyawat mo at liligaya ang buhay mo na puno ng pagdurusa.
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Nakasulat sa isang armchair sa UP: Press button to eject teacher.
Kung ganyan lang ba naman kadali, hindi na ako sisipunin.
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Isang buwan na lang pala, 18 na ako. Eh ano ngayon?

January 21, 2006, 12:11 PM.
Labing-pitong araw na lang pala.
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Pasensya sa lahat. Patawad na rin. Hindi ako ipinanganak na may pasensya genes.

Buses and Trains

I rode a school bus to my alma mater all throughout preschool, elementary and high school. The environment inside Mang Eno’s bus (or was it Mang Enong? I never did ask…) was relaxed and comfortable, with the kids living so near and knowing each other for years.
It was a nice place to go back to, if I get the chance.
But it was never a place to think.
There were always riots, unscheduled drama and shouting matches, and an eternal wail of ‘Mang Enooo!!!’ every other quarter of an hour. It was definitely one kind of hell, so I can say that I was never one to think of brilliant ideas throughout my growing years.
And then I started college. I had to adapt to long bus and train rides from Cavite to the capital, all thanks to the notorious traffic jams Manila is famous for. I have no problem with going to school on mornings; I mean, I do get to watch the sunrise sometimes and say ‘good morning’ to the moon. I find it fascinating, the way the world lights up ever so subtly until you find yourself in a glory of radiance which was just not supposed to be there, but is.
But then the night is a different story. It is great to watch the glow of artificial lights, weaving its magic in the eyes of the unaware beholder. But such lights are extravagant (not to mention redundant) only in Manila. Beyond Baclaran is the lonely stretch of Coastal Road where the only thing you see in the window is your face trying to see something else.
That is when I get the time to write my thoughts in the notebook inside my head. I feel like I am examining myself, face to face, as my reflection on the glass floats around the vague, disembodied landscape of the night.

Erm

Aissa is very particular about the stuff she uses. When it comes to clothes, she will not shell out a hundred pesos for a shirt if she can get a better one for fifty bucks. When it comes to toiletries, she will not think twice to pay a third of a thousand for a bottle of shampoo.
Anyway, she is making this list just for the record. When she is 76 and wrinkly, she will definitely want and un-want other stuff: for one, she will not need a maxi pad by that time. Also, she won’t need a shine serum anymore; a bottle of hair dye is more realistic.
Hence, the list. It is hard to remember stuff.

5 Things Aissa Can Live Without

cell phone
personal computer
landline
ice cream (alam ko Betch. Alam ko.)
tape measure

5 Things Without Which Aissa Cannot Continue Her Existence (besides food, shelter, and clothing)

Citre Shine (shampoo, conditioner, shine serum)
Dolfenal 250
MP3 player (an effective weapon against Love radio)
Modess Ultra Thins (ibagsak ang matabang pad! Ibagsak!)
Wrist watch (I get disoriented when I check the time and its not there)

So there. Just five. I don’t need a lot. (I got tired of referring to myself in the third person. Aissa IS a third person. Literally).
And…after making this, I feel really lucky. I mean, hey, how many people have the stuff they need (rather, want) and all the stuff they don’t need besides? So I thank all the powers that be, something that I think I should do more. Thank, I mean. So that when it’s all gone, no one can point at my face and spit: you shoulda’.
Thank more, I mean.

Saline

There’s something I’ve always wondered about. When we were born, we cried.
Were there any tears?
And there’s something I will always wonder about until the moment comes. When I die, will I have the chance to mourn my passing?
Will there be any tears?

I’ve cried a lot of times in my life. For joy, for fruition of all my hard work or for achievement. For sorrow, when I lose, when I fall. We all have those moments, sometimes one more frequent than the other. In my seventeen years of existence (in a month becoming eighteen), I’m happy so say that I’ve cried oftener for shallow reasons and for joy than for sorrow.
Tears seem to be just at the edge of my eyes lately. I cried all the way while watching Fruits Basket (Furuba). Tohru Honda is so cryable. I cry when the manang got her sari- sari store in Wish Ko Lang. I cry when the guy janitor told his life story in Wowowee. I cry (but just once) when my brother said that I failed PEHM (which I did not). I cry when I peel the onions.
I remember the book I read just a few days ago, Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel. When Tita, the main protagonist, was born, she cried and flooded the whole kitchen with saline. The saline from her tears was used as salt for food and it was said that it was better than any.

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There’s this song I’ve been listening to over and over. It’s Jimmy Bondoc’s ‘Safe Place’, which never made any charts, which was never released from his album, ‘Musikero’. There’s these words:

Time has a way of taking things away
From your hands
So when the safe place of your world falls apart
You must gather all the memories
And build the safest place in your
Heart…

It never fails to make me leak saline.
Maybe someday, there will be a shortage of halite in the market, and a bloody war will be fought over it. It will be just like the times when the Romans considered salt more precious than gold. In which case, maybe I should start staring at onions , cry like Tita and watch some more Furuba.

Saglit Lang

Pasukan na naman. Nakakainis, wala ako sa kondisyon para mag-aral. Dalawang araw nang may klase pero hindi pa rin ako 'nakakaamoy ng dugo' (-Cc).
Ano nga ba ang meron sa eskwela? Nung simula, masaya. Maraming bagong bagay ang dapat pag-aralan, maraming bagay na dapat makita. Eh ngayon? Parang wala lang. Kunsabagay simula pa lang ng taon, ano ba ang dapat asahan...?
Mas gusto ko na lang pumirme sa bahay at manood ng Furuba. O kaya maglaro ng Warlords Battlecry (level 12 na ako, hah!). Tinatamad na rin akong manamit ng matino. O gumawa ng kahit ano.
Ano 'to, mid-life crisis? Ang bata ko pa ah?
O sige, End- of- 17 Crisis. Magiging gurang na ako sa February 7. Magiging opisyal na miyembro na ako ng mga taong puro grown- up things na lang ang iniisip tulad ng real estate, at stock market, at E-COLA.
Isang buwan na lang pala.
Siguro kaya ganito ang pakiramdam ko. Tumatanda na ako ng hindi ko man lang napapansin. Nasan na ba yung mga panahon na yung mga Barbie ko lang ang konsiderasyon at konsolasyon ko sa buhay? Nasan na ba yung mga araw na may ponytails pa ako at kulot pa yung buhok ko?
Hay.
Teka, ayoko pa.
Mag-pasukan.
Maging disi- otso.

Saglit lang.

Have a Satisfying New Year

I was watching TV just a while ago when I heard Jessica Soho say that the Filipinos are the sixth happiest people on the planet.
This one’s for you, Prof Sioco.
How do you define happiness?
And by what standards?


Happy and Beautiful People
The survey conducted by UK’s New Scientist magazine ranked Nigeria as the happiest, followed by Mexico, Venezuela, El Salvador, and Puerto Rico. And then of course, the Philippines. The least happy nations on Earth are Russia, Armenia and Romania.
Also according to the survey, different countries have different tendencies to happiness. Say, in the US, it was found that success and material wealth define happiness while the fulfillment of social and filial expectations are what matters in Japan.

The Ten- Fold Path
News.bbc.co.uk listed the following as the paths to happiness:
1. Genetic propensity to happiness
2. Marriage
3. Make friends and value them
4. Desire less
5. Do someone a good turn
6. Have faith (religious or not)
7. Stop comparing your looks with others
8. Earn more money
9. Grow old gracefully
10. Don’t worry if you're not a genius

A few comments: desire less? How can one desire less in this crazy world today when even inside your house you’re bombarded by advertisements of products begging you to want them? And succeeding? Just watch any TV commercial (ha--- my research paper topic. More of that in the future). A supermarket is a piece of intricate art, every stack and shelf placed so to hypnotize the consumer in buying them. So is a clothes store. So is a beautiful body.
Stop comparing your looks with others? Once again, a lot of humans will be hard- pressed in attaining this…this monumental victory. I once heard that magazines are the stuff to read when you’re in need of a major loss of self- esteem. There are also billboards and shampoo and cosmetic commercials screaming how the rest of the world is beautiful, while you, unfortunately, are not.
Don’t worry if you’re not a genius? In the harshly competitive place we live in today, being a genius more or less clinches it all. Else, what hope have you? A heart made of gold? Not impossible.
Just harder.

Happy New Year?
Everyone is fairly screaming ‘Happy New Year’, but by happy they mean what?
The Encarta Dictionary defined ‘happy’ as a feeling or showing of pleasure, joy, or contentment. Pleasure, according to the said dictionary, is extreme happiness. Joy is great happiness. Ah, contentment also means satisfaction. We may have something there.
However, how can one be satisfied with life?
Money and success for the Yankees, fulfillment of duties for the Japanese. These make a satisfying, and therefore a happy, existence for them. For the Filipinos, though, I believe that it is a mixture of both, one occasionally more important than the other. Of course we strive for accomplishment and a bigger pile of cash, but what most of us have, most of us do with. We also have our sense of obligation to our relatives and society, the well- off paying for the education of the impoverished second cousin and the broke giving alms.
Maybe that’s the secret to Pinoy happiness. Desire tempered by duty. Contentment is a hard thing to catch in most societies but the Filipinos seem to have gotten hold of the stuff.
Most of us, anyway.

Have a satisfying New Year.