Why I am not yet an atheist

I have an atheist friend. He's gay. He kisses his cute boyfriend in public and kisses harder when people give them The Look. He's an intelligent person and he spends thousand of pesos on hardbound books with topics ranging from evolution to political science . He would probably hate me for mentioning this, but about a year ago he is a raving, spittle-showering Catholic zealot. We were not friends then.

Now that I mention it, my closer friends are either atheist or agnostic. People who are sure that a god or gods exist tend to make my right eyebrow shoot up. How can you be sure? How can you possibly be sure about things like this? I ask. Sometimes, the person tells me that he's just not sure, he knows god exists. Sometimes the person tells me that it doesn't matter if god in fact does not exist—humans need a god. Pascal's wager. Or I'm told god is love. I don't lose respect for people who think like this, but I tend to bury their religious beliefs deep in my subconscious. I'm just not a god person. Period.

I guess I was moderately religious when I was a kid, but then I became addicted to reading. It can be traced to the fact that I only learned to read at seven years old. Can you imagine the frustration, being the only one in your class who can't understand the white squiggles on the green board? By ten I started reading adult fiction. I consumed books as if they were food. Somewhere between ten and sixteen, I became a confused relativist and started questioning the existence of god. Having too many voices in your head while reading books could make you realize that there is no such thing as a universal truth. And one such universal truth that people have been postulating for thousands of years is the concept of god.

An all-seeing, all-knowing, vain, cruel and fickle god is something I definitely do not believe in. I think that the Bible is a valuable literary and historical manuscript but that's it. Religion is mostly a pain in the ass but I think our civilization will eventually outgrow its need of it. I go to church (when forced to) but it's not something I hate as most churches in the country are beautiful places with interesting histories. So. By all intents and purposes, I seem to be an atheist. But I'm not.

Why? Well, that's a good question. I'll get back to you in a couple of years when I have my answer.