Friday, August 24, 2007

A Depressing Decision

Right now, I want to stop school. Political science is just not my thing. Sure I'm interested in hearing about European politics, the obsolescence of capitalism, the Indonesian socio-political culture, and how half-baked taxes are the worst things you can do to a country---sure I'm interested. I'm interested in a lazy, heavy-lidded way, like how cats regard a crawling salagubang or how drunk people regard their vomit on the car floor. I'm interested, but right now I am not willing to spend another goddamned year and a half studying political bullshit as if I'll remember it after graduation. You know and I know that I won't.

It's frustrating. I want to stop college, but that decision will make my parents very, very sad. Education is an important advantage to anyone these days, that much I can't deny; neither can I deny that it's their most important and lasting gift to me. Maybe going through this mental drudgery everyday will pay off someday, but right now? I'm just a whole bunch of tired and bored with this gig. The only things that keep me going are my parents' expectations of me and the vision of their happy and proud faces when I get my diploma.

Should I shift? The answer should be yes. The problem is, I don't want to do another couple of years. I can take comparative literature, fine arts, philosophy, or maybe fashion design, but I don't want to, now that I'm this near to getting my plastic sash in a year or so. I guess I'm sticking with political science like a limatig with no cigarette smoke for miles.

Whatever. This depressing decision still doesn't stop me from wishing I'm working in a decent office getting decent pay right now. It doesn't stop me from wishing that everyone should just go to hell and let me be a starving artiste in the streets of Belgium. I don't mind being a basket-maker in Polynesia, a cobbler in Copenhagen, a septic tank cleaner in New York, heck, maybe even go to Nepal and raise llamas if that's what it takes! So long as I'm not here right now.


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