Monday, November 07, 2005

The Cynic Speaks

I used to scribble my thoughts on notebooks, which I call journals, usually every night before I go to sleep. I hid them under my bed or just scattered them around my room and hope that my parents take it for, say, a Calculus notebook (fat chance). These notebooks tell how I grew up all throughout high school (assuming I really did), what I thought about this, or that, and how I felt about them.
They told of what I have learned.

I wrote this on July 13 last year. It is…amusing. I didn’t know I was so bitter.

‘LOVE CONQUERS ALL”. It’s so easy to say it. It sounds so good to the ears. But it’s not true, at least in the case of romantic love.
It is not true.
People can be willing to give their hearts and soul to someone, but in the end they take it back. For a number of reasons: They find out that their love is not as strong as they thought it was. They end up loving someone else. They have to make sacrifices for other things. They have to make so many choices, that they take the easiest way out: to just give it up.
Why can’t it be that when you love someone you just live happily ever after then? Why do we have to want so much, demand so much, dream and hope for so much? Why can’t you just stay in a corner, say ‘I love you’ and just stay in that corner and love him or her forever? Human nature, I guess. Love must be equal to love form the other side.
So let’s say the person loves you too: perfect equation, love= love. Then what? Choices. So many choices. You can’t just stay in a corner and love him or her forever. Choices. Should I make sacrifice for him? Should I wait for her? Should I believe him? Should I trust her? Should I continue this relationship? Should I …should I. Fairytales are so misleading.
Since we are just humans, we make mistakes in the choices we make. And that is where love falters. Love conquers all? Does love conquer mistakes? Faults? Broken promises? Time?
Why can’t love be simple?
Change. Because of change. ---10:16 pm

I was in the middle of being in ‘love’ with someone (Kevin) who treated me like invisible dung. Go figure! I was mooning all over the place. I was decrying all hope for me ever getting over my, erm, infatuation.
So now I’m a year older.
I’m writing in my new journal…

What have I learned?

I have learned that love conquers all, if it were the kind that’s true. I have learned that love is a risk, an investment, a gamble that may or may not pay off. I have learned that choices and mistakes are rarely two different nouns. That to make something work out between two people is as much a miracle as sheer human effort.
That love is never simple. It was never made to be.
That the only constant thing on earth is change.
That if your heart was just a dirty mess a year ago, things may change and mend it up.
That a cynic, open to change and its many lessons, may just turn into a hopeless romantic.

( And back.
Who knows?)


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9:15 PM  
Anonymous meryl said...

i like this's probably becuase i can somehow relate to it. :)

7:56 PM  

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