Resolution Slash S

First and last: focus.

It seems to be in my genes. I am genetically incapable of concentrating. I may have ADHD, who knows, but I live a sedentary, non- attention getting lifestyle, so maybe you can put THAT one out of the probable reasons.
I feel like I’m just skating through the whole academics- thing. There’s homework, I do it, there’s an exam, I study for it. The whole time I feel detached from whatever activity I am engaging in. It’s like a pseudo- Lizette is the one doing all those stuff and the actual Lizette is somewhere else binge- eating or clothes- hoarding.
May be.
***

It’s nearing New Year again. Am I where I want to be?
I remember telling myself that the best profession I can think of is law, so that’s the one I’m taking. I’m not even half there, yet, but everyday in BS Political Science is taking me nearer.
Am I where I want to be?
I spent the last two years of high school wishing I wasn’t there. I was sick of the whole routine I’ve been going through for the last eleven years, and the only thing I wanted was to be in college and live.
But that doesn’t answer my question.
Am I where I want to be?

Yeah. I guess.

I wanted to study in the best university in the Philippines. I wanted to find love. I wanted to have great friends who would understand me and be there for me regardless.
I am studying in UP.
I found Cc.
I have Cc, Betch, Manoy, Paul, the whole Obzite.

So remove the ‘I guess’. I AM where I want to be.
I am.

Paradox

My closet won't close. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
So let's see..
I've spent the whole vacation buying clothes and eating, which do not, I tell you, DO NOT go together.
I do it anyway. If I spent my whole existence worrying about the paradoxical things i like, I'll never get anywhere. I'll just get fat AND unfashionable.
And that's nowhere.

Feeling Iron Chef!

maybe i don't look like it. no, i definitely don't. maybe i havent told a lot of people about it.
but i cook.
yes.
and in half an hour or so, i'll be laboring at the kitchen cooking spaghetti with pasta di semola di grano duro (what the heck?! basta swirly na pasta na Spigadoro yung brand!). i shall be doing the mashed potatoes and the gravy. and the chicken macaroni salad. and the tacos.
so, free food if you can come here today or tomorrow! haha.

Merry Massive Commercial Success.

Massive Commercial Success

I dont regard Christmas as something explicitly special. Well, yeah, there's a lot of food around and i like cooking them, else though, Christmas can be reduced to waking up at 12 midnight, eating Noche Buena, and sleeping again.
I'm not a scrooge, mind you. It's just that i don't, or haven't, found any reason to make Christmas something else that it is: a massive commercial success.
To hell with the meaning of Christmas. If it is buying special and slash or expensive gifts to the people that matter to you, it is too shallow. If it is giving and asking for the so- called 'pamasko' (but is really blackmailing as inaanaks supposedly have exclusive rights), then, the reason is nothing more but an economic distinction. If it is giving cards, marketable, impersonal, goes-out-to-anyone cards, then once again, Christmas just goes down as a massive commercial success.
I sound horrible.
Then again, Christmas is an opportunity to spend time with our families. Due to its massive commercial success, there comes a certain compulsion in most of us to live up to our spending: a compulsion to get together. I mean, you buy people gifts and cards and give them money. How do they get it? Saves gasoline and carbohydrates to just go in one place and facilitate the massive commercial success of Christmas.
It makes too much sense, i don't believe i thought of it all by myself.

Evil Mood

i do not deserve this.
heck, maybe i do. i deserve a lot of things sept that they rarely come back to me.
positively.
and negatively.

been out some time. no inclination to use the net. blogging and cc are the only two things that keep me here. and betch. but i dunno.
dammit. i feel like im weighed down with a ton of lead.
dammit. a- gain.

there is no coherence. my usual coherence has disinegrated. did it exist in the first place? occasionally, i love to think.

been some time since i felt like this. i basically just go along and bad evil odious moods are maintained at a takable level. but there is no one around to take any, anyway.
and tomorrow, when i wake up, ill probly fugget.

isnt that just lovely.

lovely, lovely.

am i going bonkers? nah. not yet. maybe some time after a few hours. and only for a while.

lovely.

The Shock Has Not Worn Off. Yet.

When I came to study in Peyups, I knew that things will totally be different from high school. And why not? To expect otherwise would be foolhardy, not to mention naïve. Drugs, booze, sex… I expected to find them all over the place. I prepared myself for dysfunctional traffic lights, potential hold- uppers, and bad influences. I primed myself to face the heavy academic requirements a school like UP would probably challenge me with. Most importantly, though, I replenished my wardrobe.
Well, hey, I shall not go down in shabby clothes.
Hence, I entered the threshold of the College of Arts and Sciences flashing my ID and twirling my be- glittered skirt. I endeavored to look and feel unshaken whatever happens. Contrary to my expectations, though, there was no evidence of drugs, booze and sex anywhere (yet anyway). The traffic lights seem to be fine (except that sometimes the vehicles on the lane seem to be reluctant to stop at the red light). There were many people who looked suspicious, but they’ve never been near me. As to academics, the subjects were not that heavy, and I have not (yet) incurred an unforgiving ire from any of the professors.
What then? The most shocking things I have encountered in Peyups were not within my expectations to cope with.
So here.

1. There are actually people who use red ink for titles in their notebooks. Nakakawindang! Sometimes, I thoroughly fascinate myself whenever I watch my block mates use black and red ink interchangeably in a flurry of notes. I don’t know what to make of it. I have never heard of it. I spend long tracts of time just pondering the reason behind it. Well, maybe they just want their notes neat with the titles easily discernible. But…can’t they just underline or bold them? Hmm. Try ko nga rin. In violet ink.

2. The comfort rooms are new and in pink. The toilet bowls are gleaming white. But. There is usually no water to flush them with. Hah?! Labanan ang 65M UP budget cut! The frustration! The horror! Sometimes there are hideous things floating in the toilet bowls. And trust me. What they are? You don’t want to know…

3. There are actually gay men. With guy boyfriends. *shudder*. This is really very ignorant and moronic of me to say it, but what the hell. Not that I have anything against gay people, but I really find it hard to swallow. I still find it really hard to swallow! See, I came from a school where a guy is a guy and a girl is a girl. Gay relationships were unheard of, they were not even thought of. I mentally rock my knees and suck my thumb when I myself think about it and its implications. Less humans inhabiting the planet? Why not!
Lizette: Totoo bang lalaki yung ex niya?
Cc: Oo.
Lizette: (Looks outside the bus window)
Lizette: *drools*

The shock has not worn off.
Yet.

Ulan, Ulan

Ano ba ang meron sa ulan? Romantiko at misteryoso ang dating nito. Kani- kanina lang ay ayos lang ang aking nadarama, pero ngayon, pagkabuhos ng milyon- milyong malamig na karayom ng tubig, nalulungkot ako.
Bakit nga ba umuulan sa gitna ng Disyembre? Turo ni Ms. Jenny noon sa Sibika na kapag Disyembre, dry season sa Pinas. Pero bakit basa ngayon ang bagong sampay na damit sa gilid ng bahay namin at bakit ako nababalot ng lagim na hindi ko mapaliwanag?
May problema ba ako? Wala naman. May quiz sa Pyscho sa susunod na linggo. Marami akong na-miss na lecture sa Geo. May movie review sa Comm. Pero hindi naman problema yun ha? Hindi naman palpak ang love life ko. Wala naman akong kaaway. Malapit nang magbakasyon.
Eh ano?
PMS yata. ^.^
***
Maraming sinisimbulo ang ulan. Madalas, kalungkutan. May mga mahilig maglakad sa ulan kasi nakakahilom ng puso ang pakiramdam na mismong langit ang umiiyak para sa iyo. May mga mahilig mag- emote sa bintana. Pinapanood nila ang kidlat na dumadali sa madilim na kalangitan at mga pangakong nabulok. May iba namang ekstra korni, na sa isip nila ay inuulan at binabagyo mismo ang kanilang pira- pirasong puso. Korni nga. Korni talaga.
Pero totoo.
Para sa iba naman, ang ulan ay nagpupurga at naglilinis ng kaluluwa. Binabalatan nito ang maruming katawan ng makasalanan at pinapakuluan sila sa malamig na tubig para mawala ang bacteria.
Sa iba rin, ang ulan ay simbulo ng dinaranas at lumipas na kabataan. Para sa bata pa, masarap ang pakiramdam ng tumatakbo sa mga kalye na makikintab at walang kalaman- laman . Masaya ang pakiramdam ng walang pakialam, kahit saglit lang, sa mundo. Sa mga nilipasan na ng taon, ang alaala ng makulimlim na mga araw sa ilalim ng lumuluhang langit ay sapat na para numais pang magpatuloy sa buhay.
***
Umuulan pa rin. Pero hindi na ako masyadong nalulungkot. Matapos ang tatlong daan at apat na salita, ako ay lagay na sa payapa ng lamig at misteryo ng ulan.

Alone Again. Unnaturally.

It’s been some time since I have spent a big chunk of my time in solitude. See, Cc was in a rally against the 65M UP budget cut, Betch was in the hospital, and Mishee had a fever and went home early. There was no one in the block I’m comfortable enough to hang out with, so I decided to just stay with myself for the next few hours until I meet my mom at SM Bacoor.
Well, whoa. I found myself unused to being with just myself for long tracts of time, which was not the normal thing before I came to study in Manila.
Before, I needed no one. Why should I? I can do everything by myself. I knew that it was better to do things on your own and save yourself the bother of trying to deal with other people’s egos. Hell, dati, I was perfectly safe in the sheltered enclave of my high school. There was nothing to doubt and few to question. I have comfortably settled into a lethargic way of life that had minimal energy and intellectual requirements. Hence, there was no reason to need peers to help and take care of me. Now, though, the tremendous energy and intellectual expenditure just by going to school in Manila and in Peyups, at that, is sapping out everything in me. I need support. I have it.
Until now, I find myself ill- fitted in this new level of dependence. The city is such a big place, though, and my soul can get lost as easily as my cell phone.

Tagged!

Sir Mikee caught me in a meme.

'List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.'

As is:
1. Gallileo- Indigo Girls
2. Mystery- Indigo girls
3. Waiting- Green Day
4. I Do- Lisa Loeb
5. Sampip- Parokya Ni Edgar
6. Absorbing Man- Parokya Ni Edgar
7. La Mama Morta- Maria Callas (gives me a headache everytime but never fails to give me a nice feeling of dread)

There! The other fortunate taggies are Paul, Cc, Robert, Marc, Andrea, Ju, Giannina.

Bus Ethics

i was riding a bus to Cavite just a few hours ago and, for once, i was not with anyone. i was tired and sleepy from the sleepover at betch's house and, for once, there was nobody i can sleep on.
i was dozing off when this very maligalig girl woke me up again and made me want to kill Filipinos. she was too noisy and crass for me, considering the Noisy- And- Crass dosages i get everyday (which is something that speaks a lot from being with a certain guy named Geronimo all the time).
well, at least he has finesse while being crass.
back to this girl.
i was erm, sleeping, when she started pointing at me and smiling and laughing at me while giving a running commentary of how stupid i look.
okay.
see,when i sleep outside and even in my bed, i rarely am unaware of what is going on near me. i can wake up at 1 am and feel a cockroach brush on my face and panic and turn on the light. i am bothered by paper being blown around and away by my electric fan. one can imagine my great desire to end Ms. Crassy's existence, but i am too tired.
lucky her.
besides, i would also have to get rid of her stupid boyfriend too, who laughs at her corny jokes and wears a generic striped polo.
***
1. when the person beside you is sleeping, dont be very attention-getting, ergo, shut up.
2. if you are having a hot conversation via text and the person replies to you frequently, please turn the phone in silent mode. this is especially courteous when you are riding a bus in the morning where people are still sleepy or meditative.
3. please guys, let girls sit. or old men. dont face the window as if you dont see anything but your inconsiderate self.
4. if your voice is not, to say it kindly, melodious, please dont burst into song in the middle of a peaceful bus ride. please. not all people have fm or mp3 players.
5. when everyine is doing the Sardine Thing (i.e, playing challenging roles like canned fish) in front of the bus, kindly move you ass at the back. it will not hurt you. it will not hurt you. it will not.
6. if you forget everything, the basic rule is to just sit in your chair and have your own little world until such time you decide to go down the bus. then, do whatever it is you like. a closed envronment like an air-con bus is not very conducive to sanity in the first place and to you in the second place.

Madilim Ang Realidad, Catotohanan

may araw sa labas
at nasisilaw ako
pero hindi nito naiilawan
ang madilim na bahagi
ng isip ko

sino ba ako?
marahil alam mo
nguni't wala kang karapatang
maging sigurado

kumpiyansa ka masyado
sa iyong maliit na mundo
ang nakikita at nadarama
lamang ang totoo sa muni mo

kaya't
nakikitawa ako sa iyo
minsa'y nakikiiyak
pero wag kang mapanatag
baka madukot
ang puso mo